*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean đ
kid: viruses arenât technically alive so you canât kill them
kids mom: honey donât embarrass the doctor
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: canât iâm at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A dead goose is called a ghoost
âBut, Iâm a talking tree!â said the oak.
âAnd, you will dialogue,â replied the lumberjack.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I donât know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasnât seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now Iâm some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and thatâs on you.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then youâll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The single greatest thing Iâve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell âGo team!â Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, Iâm cheering for Law and Order.
The most dangerous game but itâs just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was âdriving all wrongâ seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% Iâd been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like âthank God it Friday!â or âIm pregnant of babyâ
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: âWhatâs wrong with me?â
Well, Lindsay, youâre on a TV show to find a husband. What ISNâT wrong with you?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a womanâs shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if youâre at Walmart⌠I know that now
Iâm having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Weird that humans evolved shins long before weâd need to find furniture in the dark
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really donât think thatâs too much to ask.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with âThere he is.â
Please. My wife. Sheâs very sick.