*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean š
kid: viruses arenāt technically alive so you canāt kill them
kids mom: honey donāt embarrass the doctor
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: Iāll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *youāre
S: Oh ffs!
What doesnāt kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like weāve got some Victorian wasting disease
Today a guy at the bus stop said, āLovely weather, huh?ā and I just started running cuz I didnāt know the answer.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Why canāt mirrors be nicer
Apparently the people at this laundromat donāt appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but canāt put on a flip flop.
Pro tip:
Donāt go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
āItās not about whoās right or wrong.ā
~ The person that is wrong
Def Leppard: āPour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of loveā
Def Leppardās Mom: āJust great! Now weāre going to have ants!ā
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think heās made of money?
My 7yo, ārich people have a lot of money and we donāt have that much, so we are normal people.ā Idk, Iām still stuck on āweā because she has zero money.
me: so youāre just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasnāt his birthday I guess
Iām like a squirrel. If Iām crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read itā¦ and I was like, umā¦ I didnāt really like itā¦
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, youāre about five minutes from too late.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. Iād love to hear a Michael BublĆ© version of Monster Mash.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I donāt know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dirā¦
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
