Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!