*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”