*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 馃槉
kid: viruses aren鈥檛 technically alive so you can鈥檛 kill them
kids mom: honey don鈥檛 embarrass the doctor
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If you need me, I鈥檒l be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I鈥檓 never driving my wife to work again.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You鈥檙e really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid鈥檚 art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn鈥檛 it fancy?!
I have gray hair where I didn鈥檛 even know I had hair
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write.
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.