*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
