Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*