Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.