Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

#polloftheday

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.