@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

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@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@damagedave

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

@XplodingUnicorn

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

@CheryeDavis

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

@suecorvette

I want a greeter at my funeral who asked people if they were friend or enemy of the deceased and seats them accordingly

@VisionBored1

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@conarck

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?