[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I’m having an out of money experience.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.