Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

next question.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Still cracks me up

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.