working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
i hate you platonically
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You got this…
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.