working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I feel it
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks