Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”