Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!