Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: