Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
sigh
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.