Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.