Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

i wish we could shoplift online

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.