Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.