Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

A comic by Dan Piraro

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…