Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
😭😭
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.