Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.