Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.