Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

lol

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”