*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The Friday File.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking