*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.