Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂