Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Just a friendly reminder!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
got so much cardio in today
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.