Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic