WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.