Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Candles never taste the way they smell

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.