Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”