Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If a snake ate a cake
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
monday
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head