*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.