Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself