*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.