*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb