*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on