*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I found your tweet-up…
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.