[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?