[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
accurate
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.