Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow