Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

Thanks to a fan for this one!

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

🤣😂🤣😂

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes