Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

The happy life.. 😊

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.