[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man