[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
This is the best one I’ve seen
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Weighing up my bread heating options
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it