Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary