World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I went from rags to one rag.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.