Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Someone just threatened to call me later

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Thrilling chase underway

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you