Worlds greatest photobomb
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
mentally somewhere in italy
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.