Worlds greatest photobomb
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If you need a laugh.. 😅
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Am I having a stroke?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.