Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Woke up with morning Yule Log

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.