Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

When you’ve simply given up.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes