Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

handsome & gretel

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire