Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Very good! 👍😂
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use