Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.