Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants