Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*