Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Twitter is an abusement park.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!