Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Des Moines Police having a normal one

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers