Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear