Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.