“Worm Regards”
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Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Same pineapple, same
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.