“Worm Regards”
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.