“Worm Regards”
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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.