“Worm Regards”
You Might Also Like
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.