Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

“How’s your day going?”

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed