Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Delightful if true: booby trap.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland