Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything