@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

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@pradacid

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

@Kauaibride

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

@radtoria

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@SlappNuttz

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner