worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*


5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!


an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.


Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*


My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.


You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner