worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
me opening up to someone
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok