Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.
Do I at least get to yell “Jenga!” if my life falls apart?