@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

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@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@panmidwest

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

@TheTweetOfGod

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

@OctopusCaveman

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.