Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Y’all ready for this

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

bears

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.