worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.