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@fro_vo: worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
@Holy_Mowgli: [first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
@EugeneMirman: I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.
@LaLuchaNix: My neighbor shouldn't put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn't want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.