worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Great game to play with friends
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken